About Meeeee

Hello world!

I'm starting to get in a craftsy sort of mood, so I figured it'd be nice to have a place to upload pictures and recipes and whatever else I come across!

I'm a big makeup fanatic. I spend literally all my money on makeup products. But I also love sweaters (really clothes in general), jewelry, baking stuffs, home decorating stuffs, and yeah.

Oh! I'm also incredibly astrology obsessed. This is likely due to my near-midnight birth, Scorpio moon in eighth house, and having been grown up around tarot cards and a LOT of incense. Sorry. I had to. I did.

A bit about me! [Dreamy fade into flashback.] I was raised in Florida and it was (aside from the ever-frequent and cheap diners, fun winters, and great pizza) pretty awful. Preschool was the best time of my life there, to be honest. I made friends easily, was well-liked by the boys (the only time that would ever be so, as far as I know), and overall had things really easy. There was no stress in my life at all, and friends were very easily made and kept.

Things, however, were much harder the older I got. In elementary school, I noticed how my peers would go over to each others houses for sleepovers and playdates, and I pretty much never did. I was very weird (I'm not kidding): in 4th grade, I honestly believed I was a witch, and got severely made fun of for my spiritual beliefs, crystal necklaces, and wand. I remember meditating one time during school and getting scoffed at by kids and teachers alike. In 5th grade, there was what's now known as The Paper Bag Incident, which resulted in me being suspended from the school for three days until I was signed off for a few sessions with a therapist. The whole school knew about it when I came back, and I was constantly made fun of for it.

It was just a very bad time. I felt ostracized, alone, and guilty for being who I was a lot of the time. School itself was still fairly easy though.

Things got simultaneously a little better and a lot worse during middle school. I had six classes a day, all advanced, which added up to a sudden mass of homework and studying after school. I became really eager to reinvent myself each year. I really wanted to make more friends and to be more affable (I still pretty much have the same goals, however as a kid, I was much more hurt whenever someone didn't like me). That didn't go all too well, although I did end up making a few more friends, who made me smile a lot each day. I don't remember 6th or 7th grade very well, but I know I wasn't very happy. In 8th grade, I became better friends with some of my favorite people in the whole wide world, whom I love very much and miss a lot. They were literally me reason for smiling when I felt like so depressed and filled with self-hatred.

Also in 8th grade, towards the end of the year, I had an awfully nasty rumor spread about me and one of my good friends: some girl I'd actually never even talked to before screamed down the hallway in the morning that she saw me and my friend making out in the library together. I heard about it through the grapevine, from people asking me if it was true and laughing about it. It doesn't seem like a very bad rumor, and I had always been totally okay with anyone LGBTQ. You have to understand though how hard I had tried that year- really tried this time- to be the best possible version of myself, and to be kind to everyone and to make people like me a bit more. It felt like such a waste of such honest efforts to have people so invested in the rumor that they wouldn't even care when I told them it wasn't true.

This, however awful it made me feel, was actually a very good thing to have happen. My mom had started working online and had wanted to move since forever, but didn't because I said I wanted to stay. I realized, though, that I had no desire to stay in an environment that made me hate myself and be ashamed of myself so much. So when she proposed the idea to seriously move to Boulder, I said "Okay".

Fast-forward, and here we are now!! I can't even begin to explain how much better I feel on a daily basis now. I am surrounded by love and positive energy and people I love a lot on a daily basis, which I know people don't always get. I have great friends and go out a lot with them, and I actually love school 80% because of the community. There pretty much isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful I am where I am now. I've thought about suicide only a few times since moving here (in very bad lows), as compared to weekly in Florida.

I'm now entering my junior year, and while school is so ridiculously stressful and I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and the occasional meltdown, I can go back to thinking of my friends, messaging them, and all that good stuff to keep me grounded.

Still, whenever I think about Florida, or think about speaking to people from there again (even two of my best friends whom I still hang out with when I'm down and keep in touch with), I get panicky and feel myself reverting to my former insecure and unhappy self.

I'm basically starting this blog up for all the happy little things in my life. I love cleaning my room (sometimes), makeup, occasionally crafting, astrology, baking, and all that good stuff! So I'll probably be focusing on putting all those kinds of things on here, as well as writing about any happy events or thoughts that happen to come to me.

Sorry for the long post, I'm sure they won't be this long in the future! c: If you've really read this far, then thank you so much!

I'm having a friend teach me how to sew, and I'm trying to get my very old camera working again, so I'll likely update on those things soon!